So I’ve decided that this blog shouldn’t be so incredibly descriptive. Some people would LOVE to read the details of a call girls life. But maybe spared the super dirty details. Now this is my blog, my release, and my therapy. So I will try to not be as dirty with my wording, as God would not like that. But then how dare I bring His name into my smut blog anyway.
So I’ve decided that after doing this job for 14 years now I am physically drained of it. I remember the days when I could get to the hotel, be bright eyed, and bushy tailed ready to take on my day. Not excited about it at all, but able to do it. No one will ever be ready to give themselves away to a stranger. It never gets easier to take your clothes off in front of someone the first time. The average person does it in front of maybe 20 people a lifetime. I do it in front of 20 people a month. As previously stated it doesn’t get easier. For whatever reason it gets harder! Much harder! Why? Am I more self conscious now? Am I more aware of myself, my life, and my responsibilities that I take it more serious? I really have no idea why I shake violently before new clients, almost to the point of nausea.
So now my body is just shutting down, my energy level is gone. My body says at the ripe ol age of 32, “You are no longer able to do this if you want to retain any of your sanity.” I think just the mental disgust drains me now. I definitely over analyze things A LOT more now then I EVER did years ago in the business. While I’m doing certain things, I think to myself – How did I get here? What am I doing? Why is this the life picked out for me? The rare times when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, mid act, I am just disgusted, and mostly DISSAPPOINTED! I’m smart, pretty, and can manipulate with the best of them, only difference is my intentions are good. I deserve to work in a lovely office building, with a mean boss who demands hotter coffee, has a hot secretary, and please let me have the caddy coworkers. My heart loves, it is kind, warm, and soft. I’m not sure how much longer it will stay that way if I have to give a piece of it away everyday. 😦